Audrey Funny Stories

Here is the story that Audrey told us at dinner today:

Audrey has a pet shark that, sigh, misses her. His name is Splash. His last name is Hammerhead. They made friends together in the ocean. All the (note the eyes searching the air for the right word) "oceaners" were very nice. She and Splash even rode on a sting ray. Splash is purple. He's going to do a circus at our house tomorrow, and jump through a hole in the air above a swimming pool. (We do not have a swimming pool. Details.) Splash is going to climb a ladder, jump off the diving board, do a flip and poke a hole with his tail in the top of the circus tent. Splash can write. He is old enough to use a marker. And to go to Operation Purple summer camp. He is friends with Bubblegum Icecream Bear. Splash is currently doing lots of stuff. Fishticks and sharksticks are his favorite food. He shares his sharksticks with Audrey. He has five packs of them-Audrey says they're really good when he lets them cook for four minutes. Splash lifts the wall clock up to the ceiling-he is that strong. He is friends with Jack, the dog. Because they like to play with each other. When Audrey brought Jack with her, he was happy about that. Dad brought Audrey a car that was popular: a Camowo. AKA a Camaro. (Inferring from the context clues, that is how Audrey and Jack got to the ocean to visit Splash.) Splash has teeth-sharp teeth, but he doesn't bite Audrey. He has four teeth. Splash is super good. He doesn't bite and he doesn't jump. Splash has a super cape that is purple. His super power is to push his bum down and lift his fins up alternately. (Audrey demonstrated this and it is an upside push up with leg lifts.) Fortunately, Splash is Audrey's size. He is larger, just like her. Jack and Splash and Bubblegum are all friends. Splash can open the front door without keys; he uses his tail. Ta-da, and poof, the door gets unlocked. (Recall that last week we had to break into the house with a toy credit card from someone down the street.) Splash paints and files Audrey's nails. Then he bends the nail file in half. Stay tuned for another installment of the story of Splash. She is going to visit him tomorrow in her favorite purple outfit. She thinks he will roll over for her tomorrow.

BTW, Audrey picked out "Twilight" to read at Barnes and Noble today. I told her that she has to be older to read Twilight. When I picked the book up from her in order to put it back on the shelf, I realized that she had picked out the Spanish language version. So I told her that she could not read this Twilight because it was in Spanish. She said that she could read Spanish because, "Zapatos." I couldn't see her face, but she might as well have been saying "Duh" and it sounded like she was rolling her eyes. Zapatos means shoes.