Motivation

When I was younger, I thought I was intrinsically motivated to study hard or work hard. I did those things because I wanted good grades or to be successful at what I was undertaking. What I didn't understand was that I really am only intrinsically motivated to do certain things. Things that align with my values, things that are easy, things that I enjoy. It turns out that I was a huge nerd in high school because I enjoyed learning new things, except math because it was too hard. And subjects that I didn't like but weren't difficult, I did because they fell under the category of valuing hard work.

What does this have to do with Neil's deployment? In the last year where, on any given day, I had only 10 minutes with Neil to myself and one full day off every out of every 10, I started to rethink why I did or didn't do certain things. If my world happily revolves around my husband, what happens when he's not there. There are a few things that I do to be a good wife that I don't particularly enjoy (And this isn't about what you think. This is a G-rated blog...). Or I enjoy them in moderation: Cooking, making beds, doing dishes, dieting, mopping, dusting... Is 10 minutes worth spending so much time on things that I do for someone else? Looking at my life last year, you probably couldn't tell, but absolutely it is worth it. But now that Neil won't be here for 6 months, I find myself asking myself why I need to do things I don't really love so much.

That's what led me to discover that I'm not as intrinsically motivated as I thought I was. Aside from the obvious sub-par health and fitness, attracting unwanted bugs, running out of clean clothes, etc, why is being skinny desireable? Why is having a spotless house important? Why is cooking a full meal and doing the accompanying dishes 3 times a day valuable? If I have to ask those questions, what's wrong with me?

So if I don't have Neil around to motivate me, it's time to reexamine why I do the most basic of daily activities. I like to say that Neil has more self-discipline in his pinky finger than I do in my entire body. I worry that I don't have enough self-discipline to make myself do things I'd rather not or that I can't find a reason why those things should be valuable to me or worth pursuing. I don't have all the answers yet.

That said, I've done two full loads of dishes today, 3 loads of laundry, stretched, helped clean a few rooms, and worked on finances. Maybe having 4 kids compels me when I can't find motivation. I can't stop too much to be lazy, even if I wanted to. Maybe that's also why my super hero talent is speed reading. That way I can do what I enjoy (reading) and still get my chores done.